I have always tried to be truthful in the realities of Autism. Never have I opened up to the true feelings how I deal with having a child with a disability. I'd love for you to step into my mind for a minute and get a bit of perspective of sorts on how it feels to have a child like mine.

Have you ever dreamed of having children after your married? What they would look like, which spouses' traits they would have etc. I did too. The difference is that I was given something totally different. Not by cho ice. I was "drafted" into Autism, unwillingly. I went in with attempts at highest hopes but kicking and screaming at the same time. Fighting for normalcy but embracing the differences at the same time. I dreamt of having amazing children. Boy, did I take for granted the simple things you would expect to have in a child.

To be truthful, I don't enjoy Reilly having Autism 99 % of my day. I absolutely HATE it. I know he's utterly the most amazing, smart little boy but its sure hard to see when the Autism comes full force everyday. My son's true self is masked by this Autism every day of his life. Struggling to figure out who he is and how he fits into this world.

I fight for my son everyday. I forget about me. And so do others. We are going through so many emotions. This our journey and our emotions too. I wish someone would ask how I am coping today. Most days, not very well. Sure, I cover it up very well with humour and a brave face. I go back and forth with the acceptance that my child even has Autism. It wasnt' fair he was given this. I get angered at the plan some times that God has for him. For him to struggle and need so much. Why can't it be easier like other kids have? I can only relate the process of dealing with it as compared to a relative passing away. Grief, acceptance. All those things we go through. I have to grieve that my child won't be what I expected, nor what I want him to be. He will be him in the good and the struggles.

I feel as though I wake up to Groundhog Day everyday. Do you know how hard it is to wake up to optimism when you know you will go through the same motions everyday with the same person. We teach Reilly the same thing everyday, consistently. And everyday, he wakes up and we have to hope he will catch on to what we taught him over and over for months. Simple things as asking for juice, or knowing how to put a puzzle together. We had Reilly reassessed developmentally by his new therapy place the other day and he is still at a 1 year to 1 1/2 year old level. He is 3. I feel as though he has been stuck being a 1 1/2 year old mentally for a very long time. He may appear to be 3 years old physically but has not progressed mentally. Most kids are predicatable in their milestones. Reilly isn't. Reilly has holes in his milestones. I dont' know what the next step is. Hard to cope with not knowing what is next and how to prepare for it. You put on a brave face and hope for the best.

I pray for the days that my son can have the appropriate skills of his age. That he can be unstuck from this stage he is at right now. Everyday we try to get closer and closer to our goals. They may be very simple goals but everything counts. I cannot describe truly how difficult is is to live the Autism lifestyle. It has been the hardest thing I will ever face in my lifetime. You have to be completely selfless. 1000% devotion to him.

As I write this, teary-eyed and physically and mentally exhausted beyond reason, how lucky I feel to have such a unique little boy. The way he looks at the world, to his own little way of showing how he loves you. I wouldn't change him for the world. I just hope that everyone understands that it isn't just his journey, but ours as well. What takes him 1000% effort to do, takes just as much effort from us as well.

One thing I also have a hard time with is the change in our social situation. I am saddened that I cannot be a good friend to most people. It is so hard to be able to just pick up and go out for a coffee or go to a playdate. We have so much going on and so much of our day is devoted completely to Reilly and Zander. Between therapy, doctors appointments and everyday things we have no energy left. Not even for ourselves or eachother as a married couple. I say to my friends, don't take it personally that I cannot be there for you. I really wish I could be there as much as people are there for us.

I read a quote the other day and it was very true " When you have met a child with Autism, you have met ONE child with Autism." It goes to show how different everyone's stories are yet we all struggle with the same aspects.