Groundhog Day

This week has been filled with plenty of emotions. It is a big adjustment when you aren't prepared for it. By prepared I mean they don't let you in on the real secrets of emotional Autism. How your child could go from being happy one minute to screaming, meltdown the next. I know most parents say that their kids go through this too. Difference with Reilly, and kids similar to him, is that the changing of moods is much more frequent and at a higher frequency. A typical child may have a meltdown once a day or a few a week. We have in the past, and on bad days go through many a day that last from 20 minutes to hours. Once Reilly is in this mood, it's a slim chance to get him out of it. Even though as a parent you know some of this behaviour is not his fault, you can't help but get frustrated. This morning I was trying to get Reilly ready for school. We do our best to help alleviate the morning stresses for him but most times it's unavoidable. We give him warnings that it's almost time to get ready for school, Ipad visual schedule etc. Our mornings go like this, "Reilly it's time to get ready for school". His response, "No I can't right now". Now, with a typical child, you can work around it, distract him/her and get them ready anyways, even with them not happy about it. It takes both of us to get Reilly ready if he really doesn't want to go to school. He will put up a physical fight with us. I can't tell you how many times I have been kicked in the chest, face, and throat to get him dressed. He rolls back and forth and thrashes his body all the while saying "NO,NO, NO! STOP IT!". This morning he didn't want to listen to me, even when standing beside me. Needless to say it was very frustrating. We both ended up getting him ready and after he left for school I felt guilty. Guilty for being mad at him. Not directly at him, but the situation that surrounds him and your whole family. The professionals don't tell you that when your child gets diagnosed with Autism, your whole family does too. Everyone suffers. I felt like a terrible mother for being mad at a kid who can't help it. Trust me, the guilt feels worse when your child is special needs. Somehow you feel the perfect parent bar is raised higher. When I think I have failed even a percentage I feel bad. As a parent, I am much more sensitive to things than most are. Good and bad emotions are heightened.  On this particular morning, I was extremely exhausted and didn't want to go through the Groundhog Day of fighting him to get dressed. We are very, very tired everyday. The only way I can relate to it is when you have a newborn. When your baby is in the first few months of life, you get little sleep and you feel exhausted to the core. We still feel this way 4 years later! Reilly doesn't sleep well at all. He is currently awake, 11pm, and wont' go to bed, even with his night medicine. He will be up at 7am and wake 2-3x a night for a drink. He sleeps millimeters from me in the bed, literally. He will ensure every body part of his is touching mine. Needless to say a full night's sleep is long gone. Except for Zander, who is awesome at sleeping through the night. Thank God!

With sharing these moments in my blog, I don't want to give everyone the impression that everyday we feel negative. Sure, we have some trying and hard moments with him but with those we get some amazing ones.  The day we found out he can write his own name at school, or when he says "Mommy! There you are! I am so happy to see you!" when I come home from work at night. I feel lucky to have a funny, take no for an answer child. He is the sweetest little boy and I feel so lucky that he finally calls me Mom. ( a year ago it was "Hey you" or "Bri"). My husband and I both agree we couldn't imagine Reilly any other way. Even if that means having the good and the bad.